I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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