I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
