So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
