I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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