I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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