It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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