Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
