My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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