a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
