my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize