i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
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