my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
