we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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