one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
