He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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