I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
