i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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