meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
3pm strippers are depressing
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
