We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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