im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
