I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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