Already got asked if we're dating
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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