dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
