One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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