ADVERTISEMENT

• (845): View more from New York

  If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.

  Fav 147 2148 5917

  share tweet
  

• (303): View more from Colorado

  So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?

  Fav 17 1018 2772

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (908): View more from New Jersey

  when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

  Fav 26 1931 6692

  share tweet
  

• (619): View more from California

  Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex

  Fav 15 3633 1375

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?

  Fav 4 2663 1308

  share tweet
  

• (905): View more from Ontario

  Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.

  Fav 3 2451 1024

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (951): View more from California

  Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.

  Fav 13 2478 895

  share tweet
  

• (210): View more from Texas

  please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi

  Fav 3 1412 708

  share tweet
  

• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion

  Fav 2 576 900

  share tweet
  

• (763): View more from Minnesota

  I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.

  Fav 5 814 422

  share tweet
  

• (315): View more from New York

  Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.

  Fav 2 909 443

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (928): View more from Arizona

  I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.

  Fav 0 753 385

  share tweet
  

• (662): View more from Mississippi

  I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?

  Fav 4 403 281

  share tweet
  

• (830): View more from Texas

  Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.

  Fav 1 483 194

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (425): View more from Washington

  i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.

  Fav 0 22 32

  share tweet
  

Randomize