pop tarts are not kleenex
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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