I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
