I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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