Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
