wrigley field is MILF paradise
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize