why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
