Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
