i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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