can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Randomize
