I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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