have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
