Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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