Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
