i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
