Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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