Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
