I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
