please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
