broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
