she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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