I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
