there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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