We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
