I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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