never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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