what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
