My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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