if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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