Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
