I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
