so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
