I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
