i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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