I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
