he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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