i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
