You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
