the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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